KKK Still Glad To Have Off Work On Martin Luther King Jr. Day

98% Of Women Believe Dylan McDermott Would Make Good President

Women feel McDermott has enough potential to inspire the nation.

LOS ANGELES, CA–While the general consensus among female voters seems to be of the “He has my vote!” variety, Dylan McDermott maintains the stance that he has never considered running for office.

Yet women across the nation stand firm in their political opinions regarding the recent bachelor, encouraging him to take up the post. A whopping 98% voiced approval by saying they would feel comfortable with McDermott in control of the White House.

“Those blue eyes could pierce the darkness of Vladimir Putin’s soul,” said one housewife who has seen all 147 episodes of ABC’s The Practice.

Interestingly, McDermott may be a longtime television star, but women do not refer to the actor as attorney Bobby Donnell so much as they do just an “all-around genuinely great person.”

“I’ve been sold on McDermott’s ability as a leader ever since I saw him in Steel Magnolias,” said a fan who first spotted one of People magazine’s 50 most beautiful people when her husband forced her to watch Hamburger Hill with him over twenty years ago. “He definitely has what it takes to run the country.”

Even when he played a sleazy misogynist drug dealer in The Cowboy Way, the ladies in the audience still tended to root for the villain McDermott over Kiefer Sutherland or Woody Harrelson.

On the related issue of fellow TV leading man Sutherland, many women stated they do however “think Jack Bauer could be a prominent member of the McDermott Administration.”

When the possibility of a running mate was mentioned for the dream ticket, the first response was an inquiry as to whether or not McDermott has an identical twin brother.

Only 1 of 12 Terrorists Upset He Can’t Bring Over 3 oz. of Mouthwash on Airplane

KUNAR PROVIDENCE, AFGHANISTAN—Out of the dozen terrorists interviewed, one member of the Al-Queda did admit he laments the absence of mouthwash from his travel bag, but purely for the purpose of not being able to rinse the germs from his gums following the onboard snack.*

*This survey was conducted among men with long beards who also happened to wear turbans.

“High School Musical 4″ To Be Set In College

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Disney has finally confirmed the follow-up to High School Musical 3: Senior Year will indeed be set in college. However, focus groups maintain that changing the title would be too confusing for the series’ audience range. Simply put, College Musical does not quite invoke the same family-friendly innocence.

 

Remember Saved by the Bell: the College Years? If you don’t, you’re not alone, being that the long-running popular show tanked for the first time, with producers forced to wrap up a single season with one poorly-rated TV movie.

 

After expecting four healthy seasons, scriptwriters had no choice but to make Zach and Kelly get married prematurely, as freshmen. History bears the facts, and high school stories have never been easily translated to college without compensating validity.

 

“When people think ‘college,’ they think of parties and kegs and promiscuous sex,” said a chief spokesperson for the studio. “That kind of stuff is not what Disney is all about…” he trailed off, before quickly adding, “on camera, at least.”

 

Additionally, of the surveyed fans, majority felt the word “college” inspires thoughts of further lectures and studying, which kids simply find boring. According to parents, most admitted that “nobody really does anything” in high school anyway, meaning there would realistically be plenty of time for a series of elaborately staged musicals.

 

Look for High School Musical 4: Higher Education to hit theaters sometime in summer 2010.

 

Sylvester Stallone Edged Out As McCain’s Running Mate

DAYTON, OH—In a shocking move this morning, John McCain announced his vice presidential candidate, who happened to be none other than Sarah Palin, not only a woman but also the first and current female governor of Alaska.

Strategists seem to believe by McCain already retaining the approval of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, the acquisition of Sylvester Stallone would have no doubt put the icing on the cake in an attempt to lock up all “typical guy” voters.

“Imagine the stage,” observed a news correspondent. “Rambo and the terminator right there backing up the feisty old guy.”

Unfortunately for the GOP, with early reports of print orders for bumper stickers advertising “McCain Stallone ’08,” the Obama camp immediately began to produce a line of decals retorting, “Planet Hollywood went out of business for a reason.”

The fact remains, still vastly popular in Philadelphia for his portrayal of a fictional character, evidence supports claims that the “Rocky factor” would have garnered coveted blue collar votes in the swing state of Pennsylvania – even more perhaps than Joe Biden’s humble beginnings in his home town of Scranton.

Ironically, considering John McCain was the sole proprietor of the surprise VP pick this morning, advisors admit that the republican presidential candidate seemed a bit glum backstage. However, McCain’s wife Cindy refuses to confirm allegations of her husband frequently wearing a red bandana in private, especially while he sharpens his trusty hunting knife.   

Stallone was briefly available for comment on this shocking upset, despite his position as the likely frontrunner for McCain’s vice presidential nominee.

“You know, Rocky was always the underdog,” said Stallone. “But when he was expected to win, he wasn’t the underdog no more. So he’d lose the match and then a character close to him would die.

“I guess it’s fitting,” he went on.

Seeing as how legendary, Oscar-winning filmmaker Steven Spielberg lent his hand to direct a short documentary film for the Democratic convention – a salute to America’s troops as well as Barack Obama’s patriotic candidacy – Stallone has stayed on board with his cinematic skills, offering background footage for John McCain’s introduction next week at the Republican convention in the Twin Cities.

The clip will feature the final fifteen minutes of the recent hit Rambo, which shows supporter Stallone operating a turret that violently blows away dozens of scumbags.

McCain has personally voiced his approval for the video.

 

Obama’s iPod Playlist Determines Presidential Outcome

WASHINGTON D.C.—Advisors maintain that presidential hopeful Barack Obama made a wise decision by mentioning his daughters are “into” Hannah Montana, in addition to Beyonce. Were he to have mentioned, say, Rhianna as a secondary pop source, the results could have been devastating.

 

Campaign officials claim potential white voters may begin to get a little ”turned off” by Obama doing too much of the “black thing.” While majority of caucasian voters agree Britney Spears is a poor role model, Obama speaking out against the white trash model, inherent in Spears, no doubt forced his already-low redneck support level to dwindle even further.

 

Also essential is one of Obama’s largest groups of supporters, the white yuppies and hipsters alike. A multitude of self-proclaimed “radical” liberal youngsters have used music as a device to promote the “cool African-American” candidate instead of the “old, angry guy” who also happens to be a “boring-ass” Republican.

 

Obama remained wise to not call out followers Arcade Fire as a “typical” band of indie geeks. Although Obama understandably cannot be a fan of such blatantly white music, the camp still came forward to praise fellow Chicago folk-rock hero, Jeff Tweedy. Uploading those Wilco albums to Obama’s iPod is predicted to give the Democrats a huge advantage this November.

 

Additionally, Obama was careful not to praise Jay-Z too much, simultaneously managing to please his hip-hop voters. Calling Jay-Z a “musical genius” was considered “just enough” of a praise-filled nod. Experts add that Obama never spoke in favor of rap’s misogyny or profane behavior. Calling a man a “genius” is in no way glorification of said genius’s actual work.

 

Meanwhile, John McCain continues to look pathetic after John Mellencamp demanded the “boring-ass” Republican party pull one of his songs from the speakers of their campaign trail, much similar to classic rock favorite Boston lashing out at Huckabee, who previously jammed out on the bass guitar to “More Than A Feeling” following his victory in New Hampshire.

 

Vast numbers of conservative advisors agree that finding a non-liberal musician is a “major sore on our asses.” The party used to firmly possess the support of country music artists and fans, but the Dixie Chicks “had to go take that away too.”

 

At the very least, the Republicans still take pride in the presence of Wayne Newton.

   

Freezing Homeless Hit Hard By Effects Of Global Warming

NEW YORK—Several hundred-thousand of America’s urban homeless across the northern states have noticeably taken a huge hit this past winter as the government unsuccessfully continues efforts to halt the emission of greenhouse gases.

 

“It’s been really tough on them,” said a local community service worker. “With the planet heating up, people just don’t feel as sorry for hobos anymore.”

 

Despite endeavors, missions and outreach programs have found themselves at an all-time low for public funding, unable to generate money for new clothes and sanitary care.

 

“I could kill Al Gore,” said a ratty vagabond outside a closed soup kitchen in Brooklyn. “We was burnin’ some garbage in this alley right here a couple months back. Then this son-of-a-bitch yells out his car window that I’m not eco-friendly, sending trash into the air.”

 

Notable economist George Allen was quick to identify a clear perspective on the current thought-process of vagrants without roofs over their heads.

 

“I’m sure these disabled veterans, the homeless screwed out of their pensions, will never admit it, but the Chinese have essentially become their heroes,” Allen stated. “Coal plants are without a doubt the ineluctable Starbucks’ of the East.

 

“There’s no greater level of populism than China’s efforts to produce upwards of 20,000 coal plants,” he continued. “If global warming brings the apocalypse, then everyone left alive will be a poor commoner and the rich will live in shanties as well. Who’s against equality?”

 

In concordance with the absence of freezing homeless, several English scholars also referenced Edna St. Vincent Millay’s poem, The Ballad of the Harp-Weaver, saying that poetry like that might never again be possible.

 

“Millay used every poetic device imaginable to create her portrait of a dying little boy hallucinating that his mother was weaving him warm clothes on a harp. Poets like Millay cared deeply about the poor and the homeless families out there freezing to death,” said Dr. Harvey Wolf, professor of Literature at the University of Rosetown in Connecticut. “Of course, she was busy fucking every man and woman around, but that’s beside the point.”

 

Professor of History at said university, Dr. Gregory West, voiced a classical understanding in historic terms. “It’s a distinctly American theme, a foundation of our forefathers, freezing on the plantations of pre-Revolution territories. Not all of the Puritans could build houses prior to the arrival of carbon-emission-free, East-coast winters.

 

“Our country was founded on this principle,” added Dr. West.

 

Many middle-aged household women mentioned how much they’ll miss the scenes in warm fuzzy made-for-TV Christmas movies where the main “greedy bastard” characters suddenly quit caring about money and go make sure the homeless are lifted from the cold streets and given hot soup and warm blankets.

 

Sadly, those Hallmark Channel productions have come to an end.

 

“We’re really not too concerned about the homeless anymore,” said an area woman. “With the planet heating up, it’s a good day and age to be a bum.”

 

Her husband agreed. “Occasionally they might get to sleep in a van. Imagine begging on the beach, the sun coming down, reflecting off the water – come to think of it, I might even quit my job.”

 

His wife nudged him after he also commented, “Bikinis beat out parkas any day.”

 

“You really don’t feel sorry for them when the weather’s this warm,” she reiterated.

 

Another hobo spoke his feelings from a wheelchair, having lost his legs from the knees down in a sabotage of the Vietcong on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. “Saw a band in the early sixties called Slow-Tone Brothers. They only wore jockstraps.”

 

A fellow slum-rat nearby, having served his country on Hamburger Hill, was also asked his opinion on a general lack of sympathy over the recent change of seasons. “Coffee at Joe’s Donuts is only thirty-five cents if you have their cup,” he said, showcasing the drippy and stained travel mug.

 

The hobo bravely continued to smile while emptying the leftover tobacco from littered cigarette butts and rolling it together in his Joe’s Donuts receipt paper.

 

Rebel Mailman Actually Delivers Mail

BASTROP, TX—In a small Texas town outside of Austin, several citizens have taken notice of a man going around putting letters, magazines, and other paper-based items in boxes outside of houses in the residential area.

 

“I’ll tell you, he was like Zorro or something!” said a flabbergasted woman. “The guy just swooped in here and delivered a stack of letters. I had forgotten anybody still delivered these things.”

 

“I’ve never heard of anything like it,” her husband agreed. “I was thinking about taking the day off tomorrow to see it for myself.”

 

The couple were asked to describe the mysterious deliverer.

 

“He was wearing a blue outfit of some kind,” the woman said. “Blue short-shorts and a little hat.”

 

Local Postmaster Judd Sommers was quick to champion the mysterious employee of a service called the United States Postal Service. “This guy going around giving letters to people, he’s called a mail carrier,” Sommers explained. “He was my recruit, actually. I mean, the headquarters assigned him to this branch following all the paperwork and training, but I’m the one who made the decision not to fire him. So technically, he’s out there because of me.”

 

Apparently, this particular mail carrier is also eco-friendly, choosing to ride a horse rather than drive a mail truck.

 

Speaking with the postmaster in front of a desk in the air-conditioned post office, Sommers was also questioned about the ethics of a mail carrier riding a horse. “It’s against policy, but most people aren’t going to complain, really. He’s not only protecting the environment from oily gas and carbon fuel pollution stuff, this guy’s out there busting his ass getting mail delivered.”

 

Several citizens voiced their content over the hardworking mail carrier and his efforts.

 

“This has really been a revival of the Pony Express days,” said one of the recipients. “It’s awesome. I remember history class, thinking the Pony Express sounded like a good idea. I guess somebody else had the same idea. Wow!”

 

The elusive mail carrier wished to remain anonymous but still delivered one comment via telephone. “It’s been quite a ride so far,” the muffled voice said. “No pun intended.”

 

In 2007 alone, the United States Postal Service generated slightly under 75 billion dollars in revenue. As an American Organization, USPS ranks second to Wal-Mart in terms of employment size.

 

“It’s the best kept secret in the nation,” said a lady who lives on the outskirts of Bastrop. “This guy brought me letters for forty-something cents apiece. All the way out here in the country!”

 

Despite the genuine excitement over the singular mail carrier, one area resident has vowed to express his disapproval of the movement.

 

“Why the hell would I want mail?” the man said. “Now I not only have my bills, but a lawn full of horseshit, too.”

 

The man did admit that it was nice to finally receive his Ikea catalogs. However, he also mentioned how anti-climatic the catalogs were since he had already ordered new furniture off the website.

 

Another proponent of the man delivering mail on a horse is animal rights group PETA. Still, Postmaster Sommers defended his mailman’s decision to ride a horse as a comeback. In fact, when informed that animal rights activists tend to also serve as environmentalists, Sommers replied that “these people” cannot “have it both ways.”

 

“I already told you, my guy’s busting his ass to get people their precious packages and envelopes and Tuesday-sale-ads. It’s not a choice, it’s a luxury. If these sons-of-bitches don’t want their mail, then that’s too bad!” he blazed.

 

One belief is that many other employees of USPS are too comfortable in the vehicles to actually get out in the hot sun and put mail in the boxes. The horse could purportedly be the primary reason for the new recruit’s success.

 

A fellow mail carrier at the station was available for comment on what exactly the recent hire is up to with his efforts in delivering the mail. “The guy’s new. He has no idea what he’s doing giving mail to all these people. But everybody makes mistakes starting out.”

 

Another of the United States Postal Service’s 800,000 employees repeated the same sentiments. “The kid will learn fairly soon. It gets easier as you go.”

 

According to reports, in between delivering the roads on his route, the Zorro-like mailman never even stops at the bar for drinks.

 

“It’s pretty incredible for a mailman,” commented another pleased local.

 

Legislature Passes Statewide Toothpick Ban

CALIFORNIA—The people of California today were literally cheering in the streets.

 

“This is another big step in eliminating global pollution and the collapse of personal health,” announced Senator Dianne Feinstein, who also stated the increased tax will discourage toothpick users from picking their teeth any longer. 

 

The official toothpick ban will be effective as of July first, most notably in restaurants and bars.

 

“Thank God the ban is going through before the 4^th of July,” said the owner of an establishment in San Francisco. “How can I be patriotic toward my country when toothpicks are publicly legal and nobody is doing anything about it?”

 

While the price of toothpick cases has previously run between 16 and 17 dollars, the additional tax will amount to $3.75 per case. Local protesters have claimed their efforts to dispute the bill are in vain.

 

“I really love those round toothpicks, but I don’t know anymore,” said a devoted toothpick user. “That extra price of a case could buy me a gallon of gasoline. I’d rather have the gas, but it will be weird driving without a toothpick. Floss is just too hard to use behind the wheel.”

 

Despite the initial proposal to help fund statewide healthcare, Senator Barbara Boxer has won the battle for half the extra tax revenue from future toothpick sales to assist the Northern California Coastal Wild Heritage Wilderness Act, passed in 2006 and said to preserve thousands of acreage of land, in addition to miles upon miles of rivers. The other 50% of tax revenue will fund abortions for women who have suffered as victims of sexual assault by “lascivious” men.

 

“If the government would do something about those forest fires, I might feel better about the tax,” another toothpick user commented. “As long as trees are burning, we might as well use them, right?”

 

However, the fact remains, the majority of Californians support the ban.

 

“I couldn’t be happier,” said an area waitress. “Toothpick use is a nasty habit that affects all of us. Some of these guys in here will get bits of wood stuck in their teeth and then when they shout at the sports games on the television screen, chips of the wood float through the air and lodge in people’s eyes and throats.”

 

“There are tons of germs in wood,” agreed a regular at the local bar and grill. “Plus, it’s really bad for the environment. These assholes are cutting down trees just so they can have clean teeth,” commented the local man as he popped a piece of gum in his mouth.

 

“Those same toothpick polluters probably drive SUV’s,” he added, showcasing the key-chain for his Prius.

 

The waitress also pointed out how difficult second-hand toothpick use is for the elderly.

 

“I feel bad for what’s-his-name at the end of the bar, that old codger,” she said, pointing to an aging hippie. “He comes in here every night to get hammered and has had to put up with all the toothpicking going on around him. He already has enough health problems. Finally a man can get drunk publicly without having to put up with toothpicks.”

 

“I might have had to quit drinking,” the old codger said, ordering another scotch and water. “These toothpicks…I don’t know how people can do that to their bodies.”

 

Despite the multiple all-around benefits of the toothpick ban, some users remain livid with the bill.

 

“The fine for gettin’ caught with a joint in this state is five-hundred bucks,” said a disgruntled California-native. “I already quit smokin’. Now I can’t even have my damn toothpick no more! This piggy cop threatened that next month he’ll be able to write my ass a fifteen-hundred dollar ticket just for pickin’ my teeth on public property. I could smoke three joints for that!”

 

The toothpick ban has also been instigated in apartments and vehicles as well. Senator Feinstein informed the public that toothpick users still have plenty of options available. “If they want to pick their teeth, they can go do it in hell.”

 

Fans Threaten Riots If Pistons Or Spurs Mess Up NBA Finals

LOS ANGELES—The fact remains it has been twenty-one years since the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics have faced off for the NBA championship. The two deadly rivals seem destined for a match-up this season, so much in fact that basketball fans across America are beginning to propose savage riots if the two teams do not happen to meet in the finals.

 

Proposed with the notion that San Antonio could edge past the Lakers and squeak into the finals once again, Los Angeles street baller Demetrius Jones chimed in with his opinion. “San Antonio’s got the lamest defense I’ve ever seen. I’d rather cheer for the Golden State Warriors. At least those guys dribble the ball between their legs sometimes.”

 

Jones’ friend and fellow player Tarek Williams gave an honest answer when asked if they, as two young fans, would take part in a riot. “Yeah, I think we might break a few windows. Maybe grab a couple Xboxes or somethin’. It’d just be a way to say we’re not gonna stand for sorry teams.”

 

The truth remains widely known that nobody outside of San Antonio particularly cares about the Spurs. In fact, the majority of NBA viewers have voiced their ardent disgust for the team.

 

“I hate San Antonio as a city. When you think about it, all they really had was the Alamo,” said Los Angeles-native Timothy Adams. “And I hate Detroit too” he added. “What the hell does Detroit have to be proud of? The Japanese auto industry has been kicking America’s ass for decades.” 

 

Adams declared he would have no problem rifling through his garage for a rusty old pitchfork or shovel. “If the Spurs make the finals again, you can bet your ass there’ll be havoc,” promised Adams. “Besides, I’m pissed at San Antonio for ruining my bracket last year. Had it been Phoenix against Denver, the payout could’ve paid off my Corolla.”

 

Even basketball fans of the opposite sex possess similar feelings.

 

“If the Spurs manage to beat out the Lakers, I’ll be pissed,” said female Lakers fan Cheryl Martin. “I can already picture Eva Longoria running out on the court again to suck Tony Parker’s face. Doesn’t she realize that nobody watches Desperate Housewives anymore?”

 

Martin also mentioned she does not have a whole lot of experience smashing windows, but in preparation has already googled how to prepare a Molotov cocktail. 

 

In response to either the Pistons or the Spurs spoiling the dream finals, a few Celtics fans sprinkled around Los Angeles have expressed their agreement.

 

“I couldn’t stand the 2007 finals. Watching the commissioner David Stern get up there and present the trophy with that dumb little smile on his face,” said Celtics fans John McMurphy, “I wanted to break the TV.”

 

“The Pistons have been a pain in the ass,” said another man who wishes to remain anonymous. “If Detroit advances over us, Massachusetts will raise hell. We’ll make the Boston Tea Party look like a real tea party.”

 

The Boston fan also stated that after the Celtics defeat the Pistons, it had better be the Lakers waiting for them in the finals.

 

“Yeah,” he added. “Ginóbili needs to have his ass blown away.”

 

Amid the threats, a few locals have surprisingly pleaded apathy.

 

L.A. Clippers fan Stephen Bordwell was among them, saying he was one person who would not be rooting for the dream match-up. “Kobe Bryant versus Kevin Garnett? I’ll try not to get my panties in a twist,” said Bordwell.

 

“I really couldn’t care less,” agreed Isaac Clark, wearing a Portland Trailblazers jersey. “Yeah, I liked watching Magic versus Bird back in the day, but now Magic contracted HIV and Bird moved back to Indiana. So there’s hardly a rivalry anymore.”

 

Barring any upsets and pending the proposed riots do not occur in several U.S. cities, Lakers star Kobe Bryant was questioned about the possibility of going head to head with their classic franchise rival Boston.

 

“Boston?” commented Bryant. “The only way they could beat us is if we still had Shaq.”