KKK Still Glad To Have Off Work On Martin Luther King Jr. Day

98% Of Women Believe Dylan McDermott Would Make Good President

Women feel McDermott has enough potential to inspire the nation.

LOS ANGELES, CA–While the general consensus among female voters seems to be of the “He has my vote!” variety, Dylan McDermott maintains the stance that he has never considered running for office.

Yet women across the nation stand firm in their political opinions regarding the recent bachelor, encouraging him to take up the post. A whopping 98% voiced approval by saying they would feel comfortable with McDermott in control of the White House.

“Those blue eyes could pierce the darkness of Vladimir Putin’s soul,” said one housewife who has seen all 147 episodes of ABC’s The Practice.

Interestingly, McDermott may be a longtime television star, but women do not refer to the actor as attorney Bobby Donnell so much as they do just an “all-around genuinely great person.”

“I’ve been sold on McDermott’s ability as a leader ever since I saw him in Steel Magnolias,” said a fan who first spotted one of People magazine’s 50 most beautiful people when her husband forced her to watch Hamburger Hill with him over twenty years ago. “He definitely has what it takes to run the country.”

Even when he played a sleazy misogynist drug dealer in The Cowboy Way, the ladies in the audience still tended to root for the villain McDermott over Kiefer Sutherland or Woody Harrelson.

On the related issue of fellow TV leading man Sutherland, many women stated they do however “think Jack Bauer could be a prominent member of the McDermott Administration.”

When the possibility of a running mate was mentioned for the dream ticket, the first response was an inquiry as to whether or not McDermott has an identical twin brother.

Only 1 of 12 Terrorists Upset He Can’t Bring Over 3 oz. of Mouthwash on Airplane

KUNAR PROVIDENCE, AFGHANISTAN—Out of the dozen terrorists interviewed, one member of the Al-Queda did admit he laments the absence of mouthwash from his travel bag, but purely for the purpose of not being able to rinse the germs from his gums following the onboard snack.*

*This survey was conducted among men with long beards who also happened to wear turbans.

“High School Musical 4″ To Be Set In College

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Disney has finally confirmed the follow-up to High School Musical 3: Senior Year will indeed be set in college. However, focus groups maintain that changing the title would be too confusing for the series’ audience range. Simply put, College Musical does not quite invoke the same family-friendly innocence.

 

Remember Saved by the Bell: the College Years? If you don’t, you’re not alone, being that the long-running popular show tanked for the first time, with producers forced to wrap up a single season with one poorly-rated TV movie.

 

After expecting four healthy seasons, scriptwriters had no choice but to make Zach and Kelly get married prematurely, as freshmen. History bears the facts, and high school stories have never been easily translated to college without compensating validity.

 

“When people think ‘college,’ they think of parties and kegs and promiscuous sex,” said a chief spokesperson for the studio. “That kind of stuff is not what Disney is all about…” he trailed off, before quickly adding, “on camera, at least.”

 

Additionally, of the surveyed fans, majority felt the word “college” inspires thoughts of further lectures and studying, which kids simply find boring. According to parents, most admitted that “nobody really does anything” in high school anyway, meaning there would realistically be plenty of time for a series of elaborately staged musicals.

 

Look for High School Musical 4: Higher Education to hit theaters sometime in summer 2010.

 

Sylvester Stallone Edged Out As McCain’s Running Mate

DAYTON, OH—In a shocking move this morning, John McCain announced his vice presidential candidate, who happened to be none other than Sarah Palin, not only a woman but also the first and current female governor of Alaska.

Strategists seem to believe by McCain already retaining the approval of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, the acquisition of Sylvester Stallone would have no doubt put the icing on the cake in an attempt to lock up all “typical guy” voters.

“Imagine the stage,” observed a news correspondent. “Rambo and the terminator right there backing up the feisty old guy.”

Unfortunately for the GOP, with early reports of print orders for bumper stickers advertising “McCain Stallone ’08,” the Obama camp immediately began to produce a line of decals retorting, “Planet Hollywood went out of business for a reason.”

The fact remains, still vastly popular in Philadelphia for his portrayal of a fictional character, evidence supports claims that the “Rocky factor” would have garnered coveted blue collar votes in the swing state of Pennsylvania – even more perhaps than Joe Biden’s humble beginnings in his home town of Scranton.

Ironically, considering John McCain was the sole proprietor of the surprise VP pick this morning, advisors admit that the republican presidential candidate seemed a bit glum backstage. However, McCain’s wife Cindy refuses to confirm allegations of her husband frequently wearing a red bandana in private, especially while he sharpens his trusty hunting knife.   

Stallone was briefly available for comment on this shocking upset, despite his position as the likely frontrunner for McCain’s vice presidential nominee.

“You know, Rocky was always the underdog,” said Stallone. “But when he was expected to win, he wasn’t the underdog no more. So he’d lose the match and then a character close to him would die.

“I guess it’s fitting,” he went on.

Seeing as how legendary, Oscar-winning filmmaker Steven Spielberg lent his hand to direct a short documentary film for the Democratic convention – a salute to America’s troops as well as Barack Obama’s patriotic candidacy – Stallone has stayed on board with his cinematic skills, offering background footage for John McCain’s introduction next week at the Republican convention in the Twin Cities.

The clip will feature the final fifteen minutes of the recent hit Rambo, which shows supporter Stallone operating a turret that violently blows away dozens of scumbags.

McCain has personally voiced his approval for the video.

 

Obama’s iPod Playlist Determines Presidential Outcome

WASHINGTON D.C.—Advisors maintain that presidential hopeful Barack Obama made a wise decision by mentioning his daughters are “into” Hannah Montana, in addition to Beyonce. Were he to have mentioned, say, Rhianna as a secondary pop source, the results could have been devastating.

 

Campaign officials claim potential white voters may begin to get a little ”turned off” by Obama doing too much of the “black thing.” While majority of caucasian voters agree Britney Spears is a poor role model, Obama speaking out against the white trash model, inherent in Spears, no doubt forced his already-low redneck support level to dwindle even further.

 

Also essential is one of Obama’s largest groups of supporters, the white yuppies and hipsters alike. A multitude of self-proclaimed “radical” liberal youngsters have used music as a device to promote the “cool African-American” candidate instead of the “old, angry guy” who also happens to be a “boring-ass” Republican.

 

Obama remained wise to not call out followers Arcade Fire as a “typical” band of indie geeks. Although Obama understandably cannot be a fan of such blatantly white music, the camp still came forward to praise fellow Chicago folk-rock hero, Jeff Tweedy. Uploading those Wilco albums to Obama’s iPod is predicted to give the Democrats a huge advantage this November.

 

Additionally, Obama was careful not to praise Jay-Z too much, simultaneously managing to please his hip-hop voters. Calling Jay-Z a “musical genius” was considered “just enough” of a praise-filled nod. Experts add that Obama never spoke in favor of rap’s misogyny or profane behavior. Calling a man a “genius” is in no way glorification of said genius’s actual work.

 

Meanwhile, John McCain continues to look pathetic after John Mellencamp demanded the “boring-ass” Republican party pull one of his songs from the speakers of their campaign trail, much similar to classic rock favorite Boston lashing out at Huckabee, who previously jammed out on the bass guitar to “More Than A Feeling” following his victory in New Hampshire.

 

Vast numbers of conservative advisors agree that finding a non-liberal musician is a “major sore on our asses.” The party used to firmly possess the support of country music artists and fans, but the Dixie Chicks “had to go take that away too.”

 

At the very least, the Republicans still take pride in the presence of Wayne Newton.

   

Freezing Homeless Hit Hard By Effects Of Global Warming

NEW YORK—Several hundred-thousand of America’s urban homeless across the northern states have noticeably taken a huge hit this past winter as the government unsuccessfully continues efforts to halt the emission of greenhouse gases.

 

“It’s been really tough on them,” said a local community service worker. “With the planet heating up, people just don’t feel as sorry for hobos anymore.”

 

Despite endeavors, missions and outreach programs have found themselves at an all-time low for public funding, unable to generate money for new clothes and sanitary care.

 

“I could kill Al Gore,” said a ratty vagabond outside a closed soup kitchen in Brooklyn. “We was burnin’ some garbage in this alley right here a couple months back. Then this son-of-a-bitch yells out his car window that I’m not eco-friendly, sending trash into the air.”

 

Notable economist George Allen was quick to identify a clear perspective on the current thought-process of vagrants without roofs over their heads.

 

“I’m sure these disabled veterans, the homeless screwed out of their pensions, will never admit it, but the Chinese have essentially become their heroes,” Allen stated. “Coal plants are without a doubt the ineluctable Starbucks’ of the East.

 

“There’s no greater level of populism than China’s efforts to produce upwards of 20,000 coal plants,” he continued. “If global warming brings the apocalypse, then everyone left alive will be a poor commoner and the rich will live in shanties as well. Who’s against equality?”

 

In concordance with the absence of freezing homeless, several English scholars also referenced Edna St. Vincent Millay’s poem, The Ballad of the Harp-Weaver, saying that poetry like that might never again be possible.

 

“Millay used every poetic device imaginable to create her portrait of a dying little boy hallucinating that his mother was weaving him warm clothes on a harp. Poets like Millay cared deeply about the poor and the homeless families out there freezing to death,” said Dr. Harvey Wolf, professor of Literature at the University of Rosetown in Connecticut. “Of course, she was busy fucking every man and woman around, but that’s beside the point.”

 

Professor of History at said university, Dr. Gregory West, voiced a classical understanding in historic terms. “It’s a distinctly American theme, a foundation of our forefathers, freezing on the plantations of pre-Revolution territories. Not all of the Puritans could build houses prior to the arrival of carbon-emission-free, East-coast winters.

 

“Our country was founded on this principle,” added Dr. West.

 

Many middle-aged household women mentioned how much they’ll miss the scenes in warm fuzzy made-for-TV Christmas movies where the main “greedy bastard” characters suddenly quit caring about money and go make sure the homeless are lifted from the cold streets and given hot soup and warm blankets.

 

Sadly, those Hallmark Channel productions have come to an end.

 

“We’re really not too concerned about the homeless anymore,” said an area woman. “With the planet heating up, it’s a good day and age to be a bum.”

 

Her husband agreed. “Occasionally they might get to sleep in a van. Imagine begging on the beach, the sun coming down, reflecting off the water – come to think of it, I might even quit my job.”

 

His wife nudged him after he also commented, “Bikinis beat out parkas any day.”

 

“You really don’t feel sorry for them when the weather’s this warm,” she reiterated.

 

Another hobo spoke his feelings from a wheelchair, having lost his legs from the knees down in a sabotage of the Vietcong on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. “Saw a band in the early sixties called Slow-Tone Brothers. They only wore jockstraps.”

 

A fellow slum-rat nearby, having served his country on Hamburger Hill, was also asked his opinion on a general lack of sympathy over the recent change of seasons. “Coffee at Joe’s Donuts is only thirty-five cents if you have their cup,” he said, showcasing the drippy and stained travel mug.

 

The hobo bravely continued to smile while emptying the leftover tobacco from littered cigarette butts and rolling it together in his Joe’s Donuts receipt paper.